he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
