would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
