Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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