and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
