I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
