i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
