I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
