Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
