i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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