we have pet lesbian snakes
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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