Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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