I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
