I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
