Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
