all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Watching her eat just hurts me
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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