No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
