Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
