I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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