you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
