I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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