There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
