why didn't you poke me back
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it's great music for shaving your balls
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
