After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.