You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.