can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
