her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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