im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
