woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
