someone get that fucking seahorse.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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