I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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