i think my tv is drunk
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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