Im at strip club and am horny
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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