she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
