Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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