The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
