final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
