weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
