as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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