dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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