Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
