Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
