It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
