No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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