Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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