Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
