I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't put those talents on a resume
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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