thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
