What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
