Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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