Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize