I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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