remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
