My liver just broke up with me...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
