Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
